Friday, December 06, 2002

If any of you are wondering why I haven't linked anyone, it's Bill's fault.
He was supposed to show me but as usual, he has not time for his faultless, beautiful, intelligent and modest MIL.
And I am too lazy, er, I mean tired, when I get home to find out by myself.
My mother had the funniest, and most profound expressions.
She was funny even when she was trying to be serious.
We have an Irish Catholic background and you can find a whole lot of humour in both being Irish and Catholic.
During my last divorce, (I have had four) I called up my mother and was crying, and complaining, and my mother was listening and being comforting like she always was, and I felt the whole world hated me, when she said, " Tell them all to kiss your ass," "They're born, but they're not buried.
I had to burst out laughing.
Born, but not buried ? What the hell does that mean ?
"Well", my mother said, "It means they shouldn't put you down, because they may do something worse than you before they die."
Ok, I got it. I use that one a lot these days.
My all time favorite of hers is, "There's a big difference between scratching your ass, and tearing the skin off it."
Translation being, making a mountain out of a mole hill.
How about, "You don't give away your ass, and shit through your ribs."
In other words, charity begins in the home.
"Boid still" (I have no idea what that means, but my mother said it a lot)
"You are as saucy as the black." Not a racial slur, but meaning the black Irish, as opposed to the orange.
"Don't come near me now, I have lazer breath." Self explanitory.
I miss you every day Mom. Having a wonderful time, wish you were here.

Thursday, December 05, 2002

Things you would never hear my father say,

No, please, take the bottle away, I have had plenty to drink for one night.

How about we listen to some of your rock music for a change, I am tired of Hank Williams.

Oh, I don't know, cook dinner ?, I am not a very good cook you know.

Here, you take the remote control, watch that love story on Channel 9, I am tired of Westerns.

What ? Don't be telling those grandchildren what time they have to be in, let them stay out another half an hour.

Let's get a dog, I don't mind cleaning up after it, or feeding it.

Let's go to bingo, I'll pay for a change.

Please, stay on the phone as long as you like, I don't mind.

My father had a very thick Newfoundland accent, he was a very funny guy at times.
Not perfect, had a lot of flaws like the rest of us, but I loved him just the same.
We made fun of him when he was alive, so I know he wouldn't mind now.
Luv and miss you Daddy.
Tomorrow, my mother and her funny ways.

A conversation with my Turkish hairdresser goes something like this....
"Hi Aysel, how have you been ?"
"Oh, pretty good, knock on wooden door, or is it knock on wall ?"
"Did you ever meet that guy you were telling me about?"
"No, I met other guy first, so I guess it's like they say, day light, short dollar.
"Oh, have you seen so and so lately?"
"Oh yeah, and last time I saw she was bones and skins"
"Oh my, how awful!"
"She had it troubles, like between 2 rivers and a rock"
"Well, good luck with the new guy"
"He is very handsome, I am a sucker for the blue eyes you know"
"I know"
"So, how is the Dorsey ?"
"You need a gel, a spray, shempoo or anything ?"
"No thanks, but it was nice talking to you"
"Yeah, I enjoyed, see you in couple weeks"

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

Well, it's about 3 weeks before Christmas and already the panic is setting in.
There are not enough hours in the day, days in the week, blah, blah, blah.
I am not a big Christmas fan.
Christmas growing up consisted of a lot of drinking, fighting, and very little cheer.I dread this time of year.
Plus, my birthday happens to be on December 25, thus, the name Madonna.
My daughter Alice and my husband Dorsey get on my case about being such a humbug, and I try not to be a poop, I really do.
And have you ever noticed how the people you love the most have passed away during or very close to the holidays ?
Both my parents died around the holidays. My mother in October, my father in November.
My girlfriend Karen died on December 13, which happens to be my daughter Julee's birthday.
Now that's a tough one.
This is a hard time of year for some who are alone.
It is not a good time (not that there ever is one) to be alone.
I am truly grateful that I have family living here in Virginia Beach to celebrate not just Christmas, but just being alive and healthy.
If you really want to make a difference this year, inivite over someone you know who has no one to celebrate with.
I believe this is worth more than any gift you could buy.
But, on a lighter note, feel free to send me all the presents and money that you want.
I will not insult you by not accepting it. ha, ha.
This goes for my children too. You're money is good here also.
Anyway, it may snow here and everyone is panicky.
I have to get to work or they won't pay me.
Then I won't be able to go out and spend mass quantities of money that I don't have for presents.
Tip: Do not make any new friends close to the holidays, keeps the amount of purchases down.
Also, try to have an argument with a few relatives and friends, this helps keep the purchases down too.
Ha, ha, ha, instead of Ho, ho, ho.

Monday, December 02, 2002

I told everyone, "Don't feed the puppy table scraps, he is not used to it."
So, on the way up to Charlottsville, Mamma Boo gave him half of her egg/sausage muffin, (and I suspect a few hash browns) and then when we got there he got crackers, pecans, chips and salsa.
When dinner rolled around, turkey, dressing and the whole nine yards, including dessert.
We left Friday morning.
Now, understand, Charlottsville is a good 3 to 4 hour drive to Virginia Beach.
That little precious, that we love and adore, farted all the way.
I had accused Dorsey, my husband, and he said "Honey, if I could fart like that, I would be proud to claim it."
Imagine, every few minutes, 40 degrees, windows wide open.
I have never smelled anything so pungent in my life. It stuck to the air. It was thick. I was afraid to light a cigarette.
What in the world could make our little darlin' stink so bad ?
Then it hit us. Table food.My little puppy, eating and enjoying animal meat.
It's like Silence of the Turkeys.
Table food ! Table food ! NO MORE TABLE FOOD, EVEEEEEEEEEER !!!!!!!!!!!